It’s Not About Santa

I recently read an article called Why I Hate Santa Claus posted on social media. It was written by a school teacher who found herself in a Santa debate between her students. They wanted her opinion on whose mom was telling the truth about his existence. I admit to sharing some of her sentiments from my experiences teaching in a public school, even more so since Dorothy came into our family. However, I came to realize that I was feeling frustrated because I could not “win the argument.” My focus was in the completely wrong place.

Children living in the United States and many other countries see images of Santa everywhere this time of the year. To a child, the jolly old elf sitting in a big fluffy chair in the mall is just as real as a Christmas tree full of lights. Santa is readily available for children to see, hear, and touch, whether my family chooses to include him as part of our family celebrations or not. Trying to convince a child that Santa is not real sounds just as ridiculous to them as attempting to argue the non-existence of the presents they find under the tree.

This conversation has a real potential to go beyond Santa though. Families retelling the old story of the night before Christmas are no different than people participating in the rituals that surround Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Ramadan. All of these celebrations are viewed as deeply personal and meaningful experiences to those who practice them.

After considering these things, I began to relax. I no longer feel anxious about proving the existence or non-existence of Santa. It simply doesn’t matter. I’ve replaced the irrational Santa rage with a clearer focus. My responsibility to Dorothy and other children in my care is to be an example of how to take interest in other people and learn from them. “Jane and her family celebrate in this way? How interesting! I wonder what that looks, sounds, smells, tastes like?”

I trust Dorothy to be able to make informed decisions for herself. I show her that trust by encouraging her to ask questions, to practice self-reflection, and to investigate. As a result, Dorothy has become very comfortable asking others about the hows and whys of their family cultures when the topic arises. I love her curiosity! I do not want to close off opportunities for her to discover something new on her own by providing a quick, definitive answer. I love that Dorothy genuinely challenges me to think about why we do what we do in our own family. If I don’t have an answer, I’m honest with her. I tell her that I might just need to change my thinking.

So I encourage you to be mindful and stay curious with your children. Allow your words to reflect an open mind and open heart to people and traditions that may be different. Show your children that it is not only possible, but it’s an expectation that we respect others’ traditions while also staying true to our own beliefs.

Practicing Grace

Image from London Mums Magazine

Teach me to feel another’s woe,

to hide the fault I see, that

mercy I to others show, that

mercy show to me.

Alexander Pope

I gave a clear direction and just as clearly explained the consequences for non-compliance. Still Dorothy chose civil disobedience. She plopped down on the floor with her arms crossed, staring at me, refusing to budge. I was all done arguing. I turned my back to her and walked out of the room, leaving her crying in her room.

I came downstairs and began to decompress from the long day. An unusual amount of responsibilities had been taking me away, not just that day, but over the past few weeks. Dorothy had taken it all in stride, occupying herself with stories, art, and building projects. She had frequently asked how she could help me. However, in this night’s seemingly simple request, she had reached her limit. She was communicating to me through her actions, “Enough is enough! I need YOU, Mommy, not your demands!” 

I began to reflect on the patience she had shown me over the past few weeks. Dorothy had given me the time and space I needed to work without a single complaint. I had taken that time and space for granted. I had taken her for granted. In that moment of “putting my foot down,” my own feelings of stress and exhaustion caused me to lose sight of her feelings and needs.

“I made a mistake. I was not being fair to her. I’m going back upstairs to try again,” I said to my husband. I waited for him to say what part of me was thinking: If you go back upstairs, you will be undermining yourself. If you take back a consequence that she deserved, she could take advantage of you in the future. He said no such thing. 

As I walked up the stairs praying for the right words to apologize without losing control of the situation a whisper came to me. It simply said, “practicing grace.” I sat down with Dorothy on her bed and apologized for not practicing my patience with her. I told her I was now making a choice to practice grace. 

“What does practicing grace mean, Mommy?”

“Grace means that I understand how you feel, and I would like us to both try again,” I began. “I have not been able to spend as much time with you as I would like, and it’s making both of us feel sad and mad. Those feelings sometimes make it harder to remember to use our patience with each other.” Dorothy nodded, and her arms unfolded.

“You did make a bad choice by not following the direction I gave you,” I continued, “It is okay that I left you to calm down by yourself because I was not going to argue about it, but I also made a bad choice in the words that I used and the way that I said those words. I came back to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ for the way that I talked to you. I would like a chance to fix it by using kinder words and a kinder tone. If we both choose to try again, maybe we can practice grace together?” She agreed, and not only did we finish bedtime on a peaceful note, but we both came away with a stronger trust and respect for one another.

It was an evening of self-realization. I have practiced consistency and follow-through since she was a toddler. Dorothy has definitely benefitted from that structure, but how many opportunities have I missed to practice grace, to show mercy and understanding alongside discipline? 

It is important for her to feel the full weight of the emotions that come with receiving consequences for a bad choice. That is part of the life experience that Dorothy felt as she cried alone on her bed. However, since that night, I have tried to be much more aware of how my actions, choice of words, and tone can sometimes cause her to feel as if there is no way out other than defiance. This small shift in thinking has led to more cooperation and a greater sharing of emotions before situations escalate.

As a Christian, God extends grace to me when I fall short of His expectations and I ask for forgiveness. There are sometimes emotional or physical consequences for the bad choices I make, but He is always there to let me try again and again. God does not give up His authority when He extends that grace to me. On the contrary, I learn to trust and love Him more during those times. He expects me to reflect that same grace to everyone, including my children. 

By practicing grace with Dorothy that night, I did not give up my authority over her as her mother. Instead, I made a conscious decision to communicate an understanding of how she was feeling and how my actions effected her choices. I did not excuse her behavior, just like I did not want her to excuse mine. Instead, we gave each other a chance to make the right choice.

Ultimately those are the kinds of choices I would like to see Dorothy make as she grows. I would like to see her practice grace when others genuinely seek forgiveness. I would like her to be able to admit when she has made a mistake and have strategies in place to help mend the relationship if she chooses. If that is what I hope to see in her, she must see it in me first.

I am My Neighbor’s Keeper

Siblings race to a slide on the playground. The older brother shoves his younger sister to the ground so he can get there first. As he leaves his sister crying on the ground, the justifiably upset Mom intervenes. “Come over here and apologize to your sister!”

The brother eventually complies — after going down the slide — by spouting out an apathetic, “Sorry,” under his breath and runs off again. Mom stays to comfort the child on the ground, whose feelings are more hurt than her physical body. Feeling even more upset now that brother ran off, Mom shouts at brother to take a time out.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.

– Mignon McLaughlin

The Invitation

I wish you knew…

…How your calm confidence helped me as much as it helped Dorothy on that first day of school — and every day for months.

…How many times you were the topic of joyful conversation at the dinner table.

…How much love Dorothy felt for you the time you offered her private lessons when you noticed her confidence wavering.

Beautiful Flowers and Fresh Strawberries

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

– Socrates

Beautiful flowers and fresh strawberries were Dorothy’s only requests for a family celebration in honor of her fifth birthday. She referred to them as her “birthday beauties.” Instead of a list of toys, she made a list of people she wanted to play with, and she created a list of invented pretend games that everyone could play with her.

Dorothy has always valued quality time with those she loves much higher than receiving gifts. We live in a culture, however, that tells us the best way to express our love to others is through the giving of gifts. We have a consumer society which communicates daily messages to us that we should never “settle for less” when it comes to spending money on ourselves or on those we love.

My Mommy said I Can’t Read

Little Reader by flickr user Melanie Holtsman

He was so excited! He sat next to me, comic book in hand, and read 2 pages full of pictures without a second thought! When he was finished, I responded, “I love that you noticed the man riding on the horse! You’re such a great reader!”

His face immediately changed from a smile to a contorted frown. His voice sounded confused and offended as he said, “I didn’t read!”

The Trouble with Spiders

They have too many legs, that move way too fast, in directions I cannot predict. Spiders build the kind of sticky webs that actively seek out my face and shrink wrap to it. They have the ability, dare I say the desire, to jump into my bed and watch me while I sleep, and there is nothing I can do to stop them. With every fiber of my being, I experience spiders as terrifying little monsters!

Six years before Dorothy arrived, I began actively repressing this irrational fear during the day as a matter of survival. I was responsible for 20 preschoolers who shared my genuine love of nature hikes, and I was not about to send them scattering into the forest with a shriek of terror. Plain old-fashioned avoidance was my coping skill of choice.

From the moment we brought Dorothy home from the hospital however, I started thinking differently about the kind of messages (either conscious or unconscious) I had been sending to my young friends over the years. So I began a journey to intentionally change my behavior. The purpose of the spider experiment was (and still is) to alter my script about spiders in a way mutually beneficial for Dorothy and me.

Couch Jumping and Tree-Climbing Alligators

Dorothy and her friend, G, spent the morning together using tree stumps, couches, and a tumbling mat to engineer an obstacle course. Testing the layout, they began naming their acrobatic techniques. “This is how a tiger would jump! Roar!” “I’m flying like Mary Poppins! See, I have 2 hands on my kite!” This pretend play led to a debate about whether or not frogs have hands as well as questions like, “What do tiger’s call their hands?” and, “How do kites stay up in the air?”

Instead of weighing in on the debate or offering my own knowledge, I encouraged them to take their own thinking to the next level. “Those are great questions! I wonder what we could use to find the answers?” G, being 3 years old and fairly new to this culture of being asked to find his own answers, looked to Dorothy for what to do next.

It’s Meaningful to Her

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like, “Oh. That is so cute,” “How pretty,” or “Isn’t that adorable!”. Words like these are spoken with the best of intentions. Part of a script that grown ups often follow when speaking to young children about their work. However, this drawing is not merely “cute,” “pretty,” or “adorable to my 4-year-old daughter. In fact, words like these can diminish the care and effort put into the drawing. That’s not because she is, or thinks she is, somehow “better” then other kids, but it is because every intentionally placed line on the paper carries meaning to her as a person.

The experience of recreating this Biblical event carries a real, powerful, and personal meaning to her. It is a direct reflection of how she views herself. This drawing helps her discover her own place in the culture of her larger global community. As we drew side-by-side for example, she chose to share with me why she was making happy faces on the people in the home. She told me, “Of course they are happy to hear Jesus teach. He’s telling them about God and Heaven!”